What a Rice Cake Is to Actual Cake
A Review of Miller 64 by MillerCoors Brewing Co.
Posted on 11/16/2012 by Chops
                   
Repulsive
Okay, let's be fair. You can't really write a meaningful beer review on something that isn't beer. Miller 64 isn't beer and I doubt even the dumbest of consumers are gullible enough to think that it is. This nonsense beverage is to beer what a rice cake is to actual cake. It's just another terrible adjunct lager made with cheap non-beer ingredients and manufactured chemical additives.

I could try to dissect Miller 64's stylistic traits, but it really doesn't have any. The aroma is too meager to detect. The appearance is so light that it does nothing more than reflect its surroundings (see my pic). The flavor is little more than corn water. The mouthfeel can only be described as fizzy water at best. So by real beer standards, Miller 64 is less than shit. Sub shit if you will. Truth be told, Miller 64 is so beyond not a beer that I wouldn't even have a problem with it if they just called it what it was: low alcohol corn water.

So, this is less of a serious beer review and more of a poking fun at the ongoing embarrassment that is Big Beer. And of course, I have to reference my previous review of Budweiser to adequately capture the mood:

Budweiser Review : Click Here

Now that the stage is set, I thought an appropriate ''review'' of Miller 64 would be to rewrite that Irish drinking jig that we have all been beat over the head with. I should also make a few pertinent observations before we begin. One, no self-respecting Irishman would be caught dead with a Miller 64 in hand. And two, one of the lyrics refers to ''cut out the filler''. Not to point out the obvious, but that ''filler'' is what makes beer... well, beer.

So let's begin with the original lyrics to the Miller 64 jingle:

We run a mile before breakfast
Sure, I had a salad for lunch
But a Miller 64 at dinner
Oh yes 'cause I've worked on my punch
'Cause we live a life of balance
And no one can say that we're wrong
So here's to good Miller who cut out the filler and made a beer worthy of song
To Miller 64
To Miller 64
To love, sweat and beers and well-deserved cheers
To Miller 64

And now we conclude with the BrewChief'd reality-based version:

We may or may not eat breakfast
We have shit to do before lunch
But a Miller 64 at dinner?
Fuck that, I deserve better punch
'Cause we live a life of challenge
And we mend it when something goes wrong
So fuck that crap Miller who cut out the filler, it's not a beer worthy of song
Fuck Miller 64
Fuck Miller 64
We drink better beers deserving of cheers
Fuck Miller 64

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Miller 64 by MillerCoors Brewing Co.
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